Bleeding, Part 2

The thing that strikes me about my last post is the story of my first menstruation. My friend that I told. We were in the same grade, went to church together, played the same instrument in band (clarinet) and often competed between us for First Chair (which is the best of that instrument).
She had clearly either menstruated before I had, or she at least knew more about it than I did.

But she didn't say anything. I told her my stomach hurt, she thought that it was my cycle, but didn't say anything. Until the next day, and I already knew what had happened.

It's shrouded in secrecy. We don't talk about it. We refer to "that time of the month", "on the rag", etc. I came across this great site right now, of menstruation euphemisms (http://www.mum.org/words.html), and while some of it is funny (Blood is fighting its way out of my vagina "I know several women in the Pacific Northwest who use this phrase. It is particularily effective in clearing a room of men if announced loudly upon entering. For those less-euphemistic among us." See also Bleeding out my vagina, which sounds as if it's from the same person. (July 2005)), a lot of it really makes me sad ([The] bloody mess "I am 39 years old and have always hated 'the period,' or as I really like to call it, 'THE BLOODY MESS!' I don't refer to it as 'my period' because frankly, I have nothing to do with it - it just happens." emphasis mine).
It's so detached from us, our bodies, our selves. We don't speak honestly or straightforwardly. We speak in whispers, in code, or we use it to shock.

Women, we'moon, do not speak of our experiences as women and in our cycles in an honest, let alone reverential, way.
Even I refer to it as "bleeding" or "my (moon) cycle".
We have to use words, labels, and we have to categorize. It's part of being human. And menstruation is such an awkward label. (Godsdamned Romans) (I do like the word menses, though, and I don't use it enough.) (By the way, according to etymonline.com, menstrual is the original word, and menstruate/menstruation is a back-formation, a later reconstruction.)

I believe the silence is damning. I believe the refusal to speak honestly is what keeps the genders separate, and unequal. I believe that our truths are all we have.

You'll notice my preoccupation with honesty. In my personal life, I actually have a very hard time being honest. I come from an abusive family (not physically (or physically-sexually) abusive, but abusive all the same), where we were taught not to speak our truths, to keep silent about certain things (our femaleness, our growing-up questions about life, sexuality, gender, our religious questions, our doubts about the rightness of things my parents did and the way our household was run, etc.). Abusive growing-ups all share that silence and secrecy. If honesty were possible, the growing-up would not be abusive.
My inability to be honest (without effort) drives my motivation for honesty in all things.

Bleeding

I was going to write something about Persephone, since this blog is basically dedicated to her, but as I started bleeding today, we're instead going to talk about cycles.

So, first, let's talk about mine.
When I first started menstruating, for the very first time, I got cramps the day before. I didn't know what was going on. I was very confused. I told a friend of mine my stomach hurt. The next day, I was bleeding, the cramps had gone, and my friend nodded and said that's what she thought it was.
For years after that, I never had cramps. The only thing that happened when I menstruated was that I bled. Maybe I had other types of pre-menstrual symptoms, like irritability, but I never connected it. Also, I was a teenager. Feeling misunderstood is practically the teenager's bread-and-butter.
Years into my cycle (which I could predict more or less), it started changing. I started cramping. It started out being just the first day. Then, several cycles later, it was the day before and the first day. Then it was the day before, the first day, and the second day. Slowly I've dropped the day before. My cramps are now near-debilitating. I go to work because I have to, and I have to medicate. I am trying desperately to find different ways to deal with the pain, because I'd prefer not to take drugs. I have teas with cramp bark in them that usually work while I'm drinking them. I've tried yoga, but don't know yoga well enough, and I can't usually concentrate/relax when I'm in so much pain. So for now, Midol is my best friend.
I welcome suggestions.
Anyway, 38 cycles (nearly three years) ago, I discovered Taking Charge of Your Fertility, by Toni Weschler, MPH. I believe that every woman should own this book, and every man should read it at least once. It's extremely informative, discusses women's bodies and reproductive systems/cycles very openly and honestly, and provides the information we need to track our cycles, know when we're fertile and when we're not, and her system can also help you understand what's healthy and normal for you and what's not. For example: she provides charts to photocopy, where you mark your temperature every day. It has a range of temperatures in tenth-of-a-degree increments, starting with 97.0° and going to 99.0°. I had to adjust mine to read 96.0° to 98.0°, because my temperature always fell lower than her premade chart allowed.
Now, it took me a while--I was worrying about other things, actually, like the fact that I had done some stupid things, and really REALLY should have been pregnant, and also the seemingly unconnected constant tiredness, sleeplessness, low energy, etc.--but I got her book from the library again, and was trying to understand why my cycles were so messed up, and why I wasn't pregnant, and I came across a short paragraph on higher- and lower-than-normal temps, and she suggested thyroid problems (something I had already been suspecting for the tiredness, etc.), and also said that thyroid problems (particularly hypothyroidism, characterized by lower-than-average temperatures) can cause infertility.

I'm getting a bit off-topic.
My point: This book is amazing. One of the biggest benefits for me (better than the thyroid thing, even) is knowing that I am not adrift in this sea of uncertainty when it comes to my cycle. When I'm with a guy, and he talks about condoms, and oh-no-I-could-get-pregnant, I feel so empowered, knowing that, No, actually I can't right now. It is physically impossible. Or, Yes, if we had unprotected sex right now, I would get pregnant. (Or, I would if I could get my damn thyroid problem fixed.)
I don't usually bring it up during more casual encounters, because there's still diseases and shit roaming around, but it still makes me feel good. It makes me feel in control.

Other points of interest related to bleeding:

• I am not taking The Pill. Birth control deserves its own post, so all I will say here is that except in rare cases, I really believe the Pill (and most other forms of birth control) is detrimental, rather than beneficial, and "injures her health and reputation" (to paraphrase Emilie Autumn or one of her friends).
• I do not use tampons, and am working on making the switch completely from disposable pads to reusable. Reusable pads are made from cotton, can be worn all day on extremely light flow days or "maybe" days without falling apart, do not irritate the sensitive area to which they are exposed (unlike pads with plastic backing/sticky or invasive, drying-out tampons), and simply make sense economically and ecologically. I use GladRags, but there are several different companies that make them, and even patterns out there so a woman could make her own, if she felt so inspired.
• I recently started wearing a red ribbon (on my finger, where I could see it) and writing in red pen in my journal during my bleeding days. I started it last cycle, and I'm continuing it this cycle, because it helped me focus on the cycle, the moon time. I feel that our cycles are something to be celebrated and acknowledged, not shameful, dirty events that must be hushed up. Seriously, even if you think the idea of a reusable pad is disgusting and you'd never ever want to try it, please check out the GladRags site, just to read some of the things they say about women and cycles. It's uplifting.
• I'm focusing a lot of my energy to shifting my cycle so I bleed during the new moon and ovulate during the full moon. I've heard some people equate the full moon with the bleeding time, but that doesn't make sense to me. The full moon is the time of fullness, of new growth, of things generally related to fertility and babies. The new/dark moon is the time of darkness, of power, of blood. It's the time of introspection, self-searching, and magic. I'm getting closer. I used to bleed during the waxing gibbous phase of the moon; it is now the waxing crescent.
• I really, really believe that our cycles are a blessing and not a curse. I believe that attitude is important. I believe that much of the shit we go through (cramping, bloating, irritability) can be changed or eliminated altogether with knowledge, attitude and some changes to our diet/lifestyle. I do not believe the bible, that women were meant to live in pain; I believe rather that this is a newer symptom of misunderstanding, devaluing of women and the Feminine, and our lifestyles that detach our selves from our bodies.
  

Happy cycles!

Strength

I'm a writer. Mainly fiction/fantasy. I grew up with High Fantasy, elves and dwarves, etc., but I really like dark modern fantasy. Anyway, I have recently discovered about myself that I write not just to tell a good story (which is what I thought), but also for a "moral" purpose. Which kind of annoys me, because I always hated books that had obvious moral purposes.

But anyway, one of my big "things", my main morals I write about, of course, is gender.

A friend of mine told me about a series she was writing, the Emperor series. She told me, with a note of pride in her voice, that she had gotten an entire group of people (the writer's group who was reading/critiquing it) to see a female face when reading the word Emperor. Her mission (one of them) is to turn masculine-oriented words like prophet, priest, emperor, etc. into gender-unbiased words, and to get rid of words like prophetess, priestess and empress.

Something I have observed and my thoughts:
Women are often portrayed as weaker-minded than men. Ophelia goes mad, but Hamlet only pretends to. I watched two instances of older couples and driving and saw indications of how we as a culture view women's minds. The first: the woman picked the man up, but got into the passenger seat so he could drive her home. The second: two older men in the front seat, two older women in the back seat. They stopped at a house, the passenger side couple got out, and the driver side older woman stayed where she was, and the man drove her home. Both instances, the impression I got was that weaker-minded women couldn't drive as they got older, because their minds would become too weak for such a complicated procedure.
My thoughts: Women are susceptible to greater weaknesses than men are, because of their greater inherent strength. Men have bodily strength, and they can lose that as they get older. Women have other strengths, less noticeable and more subtle, granted, but I think that makes them greater, deeper, more. And they can lose that strength.

This is a Feminist Blog

I was talking to a (male) friend of mine the other night, about the feminist blogs he reads, and decided that I needed to start my own.
So, a few things about me:
I believe that men and women need to be/are/should be equal, and that 'equal' does not mean 'same'.
I refer to 'women' and 'woman' and 'history'--because I don't like most variant spellings of 'woman'/'women' (except We'Moon, which means 'we of the moon', and I may start using that occasionally), and because 'history' is not actually a sexist word, it refers to learning, and lore-keepers/lore-keeping--although it is not related to hyster- (of hysterectomy and hysteria, and meaning 'womb') like my ex once told me it was. So maybe instead I will refer to hystery. Knowledge of the womb? Maybe not.
I am not angry. (Most of the time)
I am unreasonable sometimes. I am human.
I create myth. (mythos, n. a pattern of beliefs expressing often symbolically the characteristic or prevalent attitudes in a group or culture) I create myth, and use the myth I create to explain the world to myself, to understand people. To understand myself. My mythos will come up in this blog.

That's enough for now. It's time for me to eat.